BORED@Home: This Is What Happens When a Stay-at-Home Dad Spends TOO MUCH TIME AT HOME!

Like the rest of the world, my life is upside down. I used to have responsibilities! I used to have routines! I used to have stuff to do! I used to have purpose!

I USED TO LEAVE THE DAMN HOUSE!

Well, thanks to coronavirus, all of that is just a faded memory.

#ThanksCoronavirus

Just a few short weeks ago, I was still dropping off Daniel at his school bus stop, driving him to hockey… or volleyball… or piano lessons… or to a friend’s house… or picking him up at his school bus stop. There were also Abby’s basketball tryouts to watch and future basketball and rugby games to attend.

There were errands to run, movies (in an actual movie theatre) to see, friends and family to visit, live theatre and concerts to attend, coffee shops to loiter in, stores and malls to stroll through, and restaurants to sit down and linger at.

Perhaps most importantly, a few weeks ago I was wrapping up winter beer league hockey and I was already thinking about summer beer league hockey.

Those beers weren’t going to drink themselves!

And now, there’s NOTHING!  THAT’S RIGHT… NOTHING TO DO!

So, let me tell you what happened about a week ago when I looked in the mirror and noticed that the terrible salad sitting on top of my head needed a serious trim.

Well, I would have gone to my local barbershop… but I think we all know that ship has sailed.

Be honest. Was this a good look for me? I didn’t think so either.

It was time to take matters into my own hands.

I HAD TO BECOME MY OWN BARBER!

I asked myself if I had the skill set to “taper and trim” my hair the way my barber does it. Could I keep it short on the sides, and then blend it to leave a finger length on the top?

I thought about it for about two seconds.

NOPE!

There’s only ONE OPTION for a man with my particular set of skills:

LET’S GO DOWN TO THE WOOD!!!

Once you buzz off that first bit… you’re committed. YOU ARE ALL IN. And YES, I know my already huge schnoz looks extra-gargantuan in this photo. No need to remind me. Just keep it to yourself.

I have to be honest with you.

Buzzing off your own hair is actually a lot of fun!

It feels so liberating while you do it. It’s like you’re doing something outrageous, or even illegal. You feel a bit like Britney Spears.

The dramatic transformation unfolding before your very eyes is shocking… and in this age of boring quarantine, it has been the most exciting thing to happen in my household in MONTHS!

There was a brief moment when I thought maybe I should have stopped right here.

When I was a young lad with a full, flowing mop of long, reddish-brown hair… I used to stand in front of the bathroom mirror for HOURS and experiment with funny hairstyles: the classic comb over, the 70s middle part, the slick-back look, the list went on.

Sure, it was a super weird way for a 16-year-old boy to spend a Friday night, but dammit, it was fun!

Now, my obvious (and tragic) male pattern baldness has made that kind of tomfoolery impossible, but trimming down my dome to various stages of baldness was the closest thing I’ve had to that silly, youthful practice in a very long time.

Dammit, it was FUN!

Would a single side “tuft” be a good look? Perhaps.

I also thought about leaving a piece of hair in the back, and then growing out a super long, braided pony tail.

After my self-inflicted buzz job was complete, I asked myself if that was ENOUGH.

Should I STOP?

The electric shears had shaved my head clean, but there was still plenty of visible stubble. Did I want to lather up with shaving cream and COMPLETELY REMOVE every vestige… every remaining bit of follicle evidence from my head?

DAMN RIGHTS I DID!

This was a first for me. How many people can say they have lathered up their head and went to town with a Gillette Fusion 5?

I found shaving the front of my head shockingly easy… but what about the back?

I wanted to accomplish this Herculean feat all by myself, but I had no idea how to shave the back of my head without A) missing a bunch of spots, or B) cutting my skin to shreds with the razor.

So, I busted into Daniel’s room and woke his lazy ass up.

Initially, he was not receptive to helping me out, so I had to ORDER him to do it. Non-compliance meant me taking away his laptop, and thus, his ability to play Minecraft. He complied. Did I mention it was 1:12 in the afternoon and he was still sleeping when I asked for his help?

You might remember my son Daniel from November’s groundbreaking blog where he shadowed me for “Bring your kid to work day”. I think this is the only household chore he has done since that fateful day.

NOW CHECK OUT THE FINISHED PRODUCT!!!

NOT. TOO. SHABBY.   But, if you zoom to the top of my head, you’ll see that I missed a straggler… a single, solitary grey hair. Oh well, nobody is perfect.

After Daniel finished shaving the back of my head, I immediately ordered him out of my bathroom, and I assume he went back to bed. Lazy teenagers, WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR?

After wiping off the remaining bits of shaving cream, I absolutely revelled in the sheer smoothness of my freshly-shaven melon!

So smooth! So shiny! So KOJAK!

(Anyone under 45-years-old can feel free to Google that… as I’m not going to explain the reference.)

I simply couldn’t keep my damn hands off my silky head! I COULD NOT.

I pretended it was a genie’s lamp and rubbing it would bring good luck!

Unfortunately, that wonderful feeling was fleeting.

By the next morning, the dream was over. My head felt like SANDPAPER.

I was tempted to rub it against the rough corners of my dining room table to smooth them down! Even pulling a tee shirt over my head was like rubbing two pieces of Velcro together!

It would be WAY too much work to shave my head each and every day to keep that “smooth as a baby’s bottom” feeling, so I decided this little experiment would end right here, right now.

The GREAT 2020 PANDEMIC HEAD SHAVE SHOW had concluded it’s short but memorable run. My hair will now re-grow, unabated, for the next couple of months with little or no maintenance required. It’s almost sad. It all happened so quickly.

So, why did I do it?

The answer is simple. WHY THE HELL NOT?

What else do I have to do?

We’re all stuck at home, and even for a stay-at-home dad who’s job title literally has “STAY AT HOME” in it…  I’ll freely admit that BOREDOM has overtaken me.

I guess I’ll have to think of some other infinitely entertaining self-grooming practices to help pass the time.

However, in the meantime I will promise you this.

I shaved my head on March 29th. If we are still stuck in our homes by May 29th, I’m going to do it all over again.

Why the hell not? What else do I have to do?

I finally know what they mean when they say BALD IS BEAUTIFUL.